The new moon says....

I have never followed the moon. I admire the moon, I am aware of the moon, but never felt compelled to honour traditions associated with the moon. However, when reading a fellow blog today, a passage jumped out at me... The feisty Aries new moon asks you to stop procrastinating and to act now, with an important caveat, think before you act, firm self control and a solid handle on one's willpower so that the energy can be harnessed to its utmost possibility. How bloody perfect is that!!! It just jumped out at me. Just as I am about to start my holistic public venture. It feels like a ray of sunshine is landing on me or maybe it is a ray of moon beams to just keep true to myself and I am good. I do need to keep self control as I am as busy as I have ever been. I feel the strong desire to eliminate all that is not honoring myself and where and what I am doing and to do BLOODY well everything else. I can not afford to half do things as I need to keep the channels of positive energy flowing and I do not want to procrastinate over things to the point where they build up a negative energy wall. I may have false starts, I may face disappointments but I know I am strong and will know how to deal with any holdups that may occur. I have been shown a technique which enables you to "unhook" yourself from any doubters, naysayers or anyone who dispels what I do as negative. Having this ability to unhook the lines of negativity that have been attached to me, allows me to not have to carry around this weight of disappointment. I can lovingly let them go. I no longer allow them to hold onto me. All is good....Tri Hita Karana

Loving One Self.

I am reminded today by the start of a cold and an extremely sore throat that I am not loving myself. On the surface I feel as if I am, but with these "dis -eases" I know that I am not. How do you love yourself? Is it a learned thing? Are some people born with this inate ability to love oneself so much that they never struggle with this thought/action? I have not been born with this knowledge. I have never really learnt this knowledge either. To love someone else, you have to love yourself first. I understand the concept, I do. I never have felt comfortable with it though. This is my heart chakra and is the chakra that I keep coming back to in meditations, thoughts, purchases and sicknesses. The time has come that I really learn to love myself. I have been doing baby steps, like makeup, clothes, keeping my house tidy, booking regular massages, but now it is time to work on my internal thoughts.

I have heard recently by a well known TV presenter the following thoughts. She states "Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions and your actions become your life." How profound is that? I have always struggled with myself/love with the very first connection....your thoughts become your words....I have outwardly tried to show I love myself with artificial actions, but the deepest thoughts stayed the same...and co-incidentally so did my weight....and then I would wonder why I kept being shown that I wasn't loving myself. I truly wasn't inside me...

I am now learning that for anything else to really be true for me, then the one simple step of loving myself has to be first and foremost before anything else. I know and I am now ready.

I have been given a book to read and work through...LOVING WHAT IS by Byron Katie. It is time - I am ready to do The Work that is now required. I am truly ready for this opening of my heart chakra with the knowledge that I will love myself in the deepest way possible. Thank you One and All for showing me the way on how to learn to love me. I have been asking for signs as to how to do this. I knew that I had to do it, just didn't know how. I do now.

The journey will be sad/confronting/enlightening but so enjoyable. I will learn things that I knew but would never accept and for this wonderful gift I am thankful.

Tri Hita Karana...

What next?

Some days this is how I feel and yet other days, I have this knowing it is all OK. I expect the controlling ego centre of me is still making its presence known. I am changing...I know I am changing, I can feel it...I live it...but some days I wonder just what is happening and where will it lead to?

These are the days when I am tired. I have been doing too much lately and I have felt swamped. I need to focus on calming my busy mind and body. Too much of my time is spent doing things for others. We need to serve others, but not to the detriment of our self. As a mother, we are conditioned to put others needs before our own. I have prided myself on my wonderful ability at being a mother. I have felt a sense of pride and achievement that nothing else has been able to match, however it came at a cost. I put my needs second. I attended to them when I had time and habits like these are hard to break.

I am now putting my needs first.....but sometimes I forget, take on too much and fall into a heap. I am picking myself up out of the hole I have been in for a couple of days now. I went to a group mediation today. I enjoy meditation; I find it easy and I was at peace when I was there. I came home to a bit of chaos, but proceeded to then eliminate a couple of activities and dates I had agreed to. It felt good. I am honoring my story again. Just as I needed to.

I have my next course this Sunday....Indian Head Massage. I am looking forward to this. I enjoy the sense of touch and enlightenment I receive from these courses. It is another cog in the wheel of my new story. I needed todays meditation to put me back on the journey. I had slipped off and was floundering. I am back now and feel so much more balanced.

I have ordered my new business cards for my Holistic Healing Journey. They are a simple, elegant design which will allow me to hand out to people who need my numbers. I am finding this easier and easier to talk of my new direction...of my story. I have been doing my voluntary reiki sessions and have repeat clients. I am still in my learning phase. I still love it for what I can give and for what I receive.

I am learning balance...Tri Hita Karana...The balance of life...my learning lesson for now.

My story....

When I went to learn Reiki, my Reiki Master sat and told us about "her stories". This reminded me so much of the aboriginal culture who hold their stories with such high regard, that I was immediately reminded to not hide my story. I have tended to not think of my stories as being that important, at the very least not something that others would necessarily want to listen to. I am now being guided to talk about my stories, my history, my life. I like the word story as it gives a comfortable feeling to what I am talking about.

My story is mine. I may remember things not as others have, but that is not important for the story belongs to me. I have always felt an affinity with spiritual beliefs. I was christened Anglican, then I on my own volition decided to become confirmed in the Anglican faith. This was fine and all I needed until I met my husband and then a knowing came into my life that I needed to change this belief. After many hours of thoughts and prayers, I knew that I was to convert to Catholicism. The two religions were not that dissimilar to me, so I did. It gave me a comfort and a joy and a sense of peace and the persistant nagging I was feeling left my mind.

I have been a Catholic for many years now and whilst I still will always remain a Catholic, I have this knowing that I need to develop my spiritual knowledge further. This knowledge for spiritual ideas will take me away from mainstream Catholicism and Anglicanism but I just know that it is ok. We all look to and love one God, something I have always believed in all forms of religion. Whether it is Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, we all look to and serve one God.

I now follow a pathway of Light Work. I am not 100 % sure what this entails, but I do know that I am a Holistic Healer and I feel an urgency to act upon this healing. I put myself forward to God and the Angels to knowingly send my way, the necessary information whether it be via people, places, books, teachers, feathers or crystals all that I need to know.

I have commenced my journey by studying Reiki I with my Reiki Master. It felt right and gave me the knowing that it is right. I will now continue to hone and practise my new found knowledge before undertaking the next step of publicly practising my Reiki knowledge.

An outing of this type of information has been an unusual task. My spirituality has been something that I have mainly kept to myself. I just thought everyone had the same ability as I do. I know that they do. They just never have had to use their natural ability. I am not sure what my healing opportunities will be...whether I am to guide someone, physically use my hands to heal someone, or to write about healing. So with my unending belief of the Law of Attraction, I am putting it out there that I am ready to begin in earnest my healing journey.

I will do my utmost to serve through God and heal the necessary things that come my way. And in this healing journey, I will continue to heal myself. I will continue to remove items, memories, things that create a blockage in my journey. I will continue to Bless others with the items that I remove so with the Law of Attraction working to its fullest potential, when I make room by removing extras from my life, I allow room for other better things to come to me.

Tri Hita Karana....The Balance of Life.

Grieving...

Today I have been clearing out all the things from my life that I no longer need. I have been doing this for 3 days now just going through my one room which is really me. It has been my sewing room for so long now, but now it has become my studio. No longer is it to be the junk room of the house nor just my sewing area. I will still use it as I have done before, like doing the ironing, scrapbooking etc, but I have added the new direction of my life. I have included an area which will be just for my holistic learning and practices.

I have spent time going through everything. The big and the little have all had my undivided attention. I have considered whether each thing is relevant in my life....be it useful or beautiful, but to qualify to stay, it must be used. Not just there in case it may be needed in the future. I do have a few things which are on "borrowed time". If they get used soon, they will stay otherwise they will go and bless someone else.

So even though it has been cathartic going through everything for this new beginning, I have been grieving for the things of my past. Memories of days gone by, of children in younger times, the hopes and dreams of my past. Some have been born, others, sadly not.

It is a surreal moment in our lives when we realise that we are not infinite and we do have a life time span. I know that I will live for many more years, but life just goes by so quickly and to go through everything just as you would in a deceased estate, can be very confronting.

There is a popular post around at the moment which advises that everything that we need can be fitted into one box. I mentally picture a monk or even a nun who also live with very little. The things that they do keep/have are valuable for exactly as they are. Not something which needs to be made, used, or kept just in case. I feel a strong need to look at everything I have with this in mind...it must be something valuable. Beauty for me can be valuable, but mostly, I will continue to look at things with the mindset of it must be valuable.

Once I have finished this room, my studio, and in particular the new area for my holistic healing, I will be looking at the remainder of the house.

It will be a healing year for me this year....in readiness for me to continue in my journey of becoming a Holistic Healer.

A brand new day....

Do you ever wake up and know that things have changed...changed so dramatically that you know that you are really a different person? Different from yesterday, different from the 9 year old...even different from the day you joined your life with your partner.

This difference has just been pointed out to me. She told me I was grieving for the old me..not sad at her loss...just grieving the change. I know I am different. I know the journey I am undertaking will enable me to be exposed to many and varied things. I know can acknowledge that these things change a part of me. I am no longer just as I was.

I have pondered these thoughts and can now begin to understand the changes I feel. The best way for me to describe it is when you have your first child you are different. Something changes, a light shines in you. Then when you have your subsequent children, the light changes again, and again. For each moment of change, these changes occurr. You become a different person with each new child. Not necessarily better or even worse, but definitely different. This is me.

There is a sadness at the change. These moments of sadness can be all encompassing or as I hope to achieve, an acknowledgement of the change I am undertaking. I am growing at a rate which is monumental for me. I have now to learn to soften my approach to these changes. Thinking of them as clouds gently floating past. If tears fall, then tears fall. If laughter happens, then laughter happens. I am ok. I am loved and I will be ok.

I am learning to let go of my need for control. This is just a manifestation of fear. I need to control so I can be safe. Fear of what may lay ahead is the dynamics of my control urge. I am learning now to let go of fear and control. I will not be giving anything I cannot handle. I need to begin trusting in myself deeply. Not just a surface trust where I constantly push down those negative fears. I am now going to allow those negative fears to surface and be acknowledge for too long they have held me back in my direction. I am safe. I am ok and it will be ok.

Friends...

I have always known friends come into your life for a reason and just as they have slid in, they will slide out. I am in the sliding out process of some friendships. There is a tinge of sadness and a touch of melancholy yet beneath all of this, there is a deep set knowing that this is right.

I have always been a pleaser. It is a pathway we set ourselves on from a very early age and as it seems a tried and true path, we keep to the path...never venturing from safe. One day many of us wake up so to speak and decide to step off the path. We wander aimlessly and sometimes fear will take us back to the known pathway, but through all of this, we learn. We learn that the safe pathway is not always the best way. It is a way...but not the best way. It takes courage to step out of the path....but it takes even greater courage to do it alone.

I have someone who wants to take me on her path. I do not want to go. I have found my path. I like my path and I don't want to share the other path. I am happy for her to go on her pathway...just don't ask me to go. Sometimes during our life, we have to say no...to detach from those who draw from ourselves a negativity. It is with this attachment of negativity that we can never grow forwards, to grow upwards.

You reap what you sew. I find that with my new found spiritual consciousness I am not drawn to the same people. I wish to be around like minded souls who encourage and unlift your souls, not be negative and drag down the energy. I am in a good place. I do not have a wish for the latest and greatest of anything. I am not looking for love, nor do I seek to go to places where I may find love. I am finding me. I am learning to love me. I do not want to look for anything else.

So with the greatest of love and good intention, fly free my friend. I wish the best for your journey and love and light to you.

Organised

I was asked how to be organised. I thought for a moment and the first word that came to my mind was "TOUCH SOMETHING ONCE". So simple, yet so powerful. To be truthful, this was probably the first time I had voiced what I generally did with me. If you touch it once, you deal with it. If you pick it up numerous times, all you are doing is creating clutter. Clutter breeds and before you know it, there is piles of stuff everywhere all required immediate attention. We become overwhelmed and perpetuate the feeling of being hopeless and unorganised thus ensuring the cycle continues.

I have slipped a little in my observance of my little rule. I may be touching it 3 times now, but I always know when this happens for a fall into a state of disarray. It becomes bedlam in my mind, then quickly following into my house.

It is time to stop the touching. Time to go back to touching once.

In time, you will find that you just have too many things that needs touching and you feel the urge to simplify the systems you have. We all can have too many things, too many pens, too many craft books, all purchased with good intentions, just never the follow through.

Time to touch them once again. To either keep and honor or remove to bless someone else.

It is time....touch something once.

It is not your business what others think about you. You do not need to know...you do not have the right to know for these thoughts do not belong to you...they belong to others as they continue the journey of their life. It is up to you do live the life you know you are supposed to be living, not trying to fit the mould of what others say or think. The only thoughts you can control are the thoughts of your own mind. It is your duty to Mother Earth to fill these thoughts with love, not fear nor anger, but of love. We need to see our neighbours as our friends, not enemies. We need to see a stranger as a friend we have not met yet. We must stop living in fear of what may happen and what will people think of me. We just have to be here now and live the life we have to the fullness of love.

Tri Hita Karana

4th February 2011

Today I drew a card that represented Compassion and Kindness to oneself. The card advised me that I am too hard on myself. I judge even the most minute detail and then work so hard to try and clarify what it means, how to fix it, what could/would change if things were different. I need to show some compassion and kindness to myself.

I am OK. I will be OK, and it is all OK.

Why is it we are able to show compassion and kindness to others even God's many creatures, yet with ourselves we are so hard? We expect nothing but perfection from ourselves, yet as mothers, we are willing to keep on helping our children learn the lessons in life. We keep on picking them up when they fall, when they make a mistake, yet, we are not willing to do this to our self. We need to constantly nurture the child within us...even the adult. We will make mistakes. Few mistakes are intention. For whatever reason, they happen. It is OK. The world will continue, we will continue and if we are able to view this as a learning lesson, the more the better. Stop being so hard on ourselves. I need to realise that I am learning and there will be things that I could/should have done better. They were done the best I could at the time with the knowledge that I had at the time. Today I may know differently, yesterday I didn't.

I will stop judging myself so harshly, and just graciously accept each and every day as it is.

Give a little...

I have a saying going through my head...."If we give a little, then we will get a whole lot back". It makes sense to me, I am just pondering why it is in my head. I am not doing it that is why. People are annoying me at the moment. I know I am hard to live with at moment and I know that I just don't have it in me to give more than I receive at the moment. But....if I gave more then I would get more back....

There are some days when I know that this is the best thing to do, but I don't want to. As mums and wives we spend so much of our time giving, giving, giving never really asking for anything in return. Lately I have felt that I have given too much and I need to hold onto what I have. No-one understands this as it goes against my very being, my soul, all that everyone has ever known about me.

When we feel like this are we supposed to keep on giving or are we allowed to just be? Exactly as we are...no questions, no qualms. I am tired. I am unsure of many things at the moment. I am dealing with my grief and the grief of my adult/children who suffer grief so monumentally. I need to be just me yet this voice keeps telling me to give a little more. I know it is for my benefit but I just want to say NOOO.

I am doing some very serious meditations that are delving deep into my inner being. They are drawing up feelings of abandonment and rejection and I am feeling a strong need to protect myself yet again. I am just trying to allow these feelings to surface, and float by. But in re-surfacing after all these years, they are tough. For now, I am hurting. I know it will pass, but for now I am hurting.

I will give a little to get a lot back, in time, but for now I am hurting and I am wailing for the lost me that I am beginning to find. I am grieving for many things...me, Dad and now Amber.

I will release them all but I need to say goodbye first. Stay with me, hold my hand, and it will be OK.

2nd February 2011

Trust. There are days when you just have to trust that it will be OK. For the people in Far North Queensland, they are trusting that their preparations are adequate, that the authorities will be able to keep them informed so as the community will be able to make the best most informed decision as to what to do next. My heart and hopes go out to them all.

But, for me....trust means that I believe this voice, this feeling that I have inside me that all will be OK. I have been thinking how much I charge for my services. I bawk at this because as far as I see I do not even have a service to offer at the stage. Not yet I am being told, but I will. I struggle with this. I know that I will be a Healer, but even then I am not sure what that really means.

For the complete control freak that I am, for the first time in my life, I am flying by the seat of my pants...so to speak. I am not used to be out of control and it is a weird sensation for me. I know that there is so much I will learn but for now, I am being told to continue to clear the path way so to speak. I am closing off loose ends of half started jobs as well as minimising lots of things in my life. I will not have the time to idly wander between projects, only half committing to way too many things in my life. I have a job to do and I am setting myself up in the best way possible to do this job to the best of my ability.

I am going through so many objects, looking, pondering, questioning whether I need it in my life. I am realising that most of the things I am looking at I do not. I have just held onto them just in case the day would come when I would. I know now that it won't. This is part of an old me that I am looking at, loving and leaving behind. This part of me is an important part of me, but I do not have to continue lugging this load on my back on a daily basis.

During meditation I got asked to mentally go back to my earliest memories, and study them. What did I feel, who was there, and what was happening...

My earliest memories was at my paternal grandparents house. Nanna R was there along with Pop R. Nanna R didn't like mum and didn't believe that I was Dad's child...that mum tricked him into marrying him. Dad was there and I clearly felt that both Nanna R and Dad were not really loving to me. I was not wanted was what I felt. I wasn't and mum wasn't. I think I was about 2 years old. That feeling of not being wanted has continued way through in my life and I am now able to see where it has manifested into my feelings these days. I have been told to work on feelings between the years 1 to 7. The critical years. I am to acknowledge and let go. They are there but not as important as the importance that I give to them. I can let them go....just as the clouds that float past me in the afternoon sky, I am to let these feelings go as well.

I will continue to work with these feelings within these years. I am finding it insightful not scary and it is giving me an opportunity to really try and see where my rejected feelings are manifesting from.

Love and Light --- Tri Hita Karana...

28th January 2011

Foods that help or foods that hinder....

Today I awoke pondering this thought.....

It was quite profound. I know there is a core thought that there are foods that hinder our feelings. We eat them for the euphoria that it intially will allow us to feel, but the real reason behind our craving such foods is to mask a feeling, a unhappy thought or sensation. In time we completely destroy these natural abilities to determine food that can help or heal.

Children have this ability. They instinctively know foods that are good for them. My own son was a case in point. He steadfastly refused to eat tomato and I had the good grace to resist removing this natural ability in him. Many years later we found out that tomatoes have a high acid/salyciate (spelling) component and these would make his headaches worse. When he no longer ate these foods, then the headaches have disappeared. His body instinctively knew that this food was not good for him.....and here I was trying to destroy this knowledge all because this food was "good for him". This began an enlightenment that there is something in this food/mood correlation....not that I used it to any of my best interests.

Chocolate and starchy foods are a big downfall for me. These are known to have anti-depressant qualities. The catch is they are to be used in very small quantities. By overdosing, so to speak, then the benefit becomes a massive negative and all good things become toxic. I have been toxic for so long that I do not know the true foods my body wants. I have to now start to really listen to what I want. I am not sure if meditation will guide me, or if that knowledge will still be there for me....either way, I will be finding out as I venture further on foods that will help my physic knowledge and journey.

I have been accepted into a Reiki I course at the end of February. Reiki is a healing energy passing through me to the patient. I need to be able to clear my channels of healing energy so I can undertake this course to the best of my ability.

I call upon all God and all his Archangels to help me undertake this massive detox of my soul, spirit and body.

Tri Hita Karana....

Doorways....

When you know that God doesn't close one door without opening another door, then it feels easier to somehow understand all the changes that are happening with me.

The other bit of information that I have read lately is that this is the year about me. I have always done what others have wanted me to do for years. I needed to do this to be the mother/wife/friend I needed to be, but now I am ready for this year to be about me.

What is it I really want? What is it that I really need to do? There are no limits either self imposed or imposed by anyone else. I have no time frame. There is no structure and guidelines that I will follow. I will just follow my nose for when you open the doors, the beginnings of the newness will flow towards you.

I have always wanted/needed to control all of everything around me. I would mistrust others to do anything that needed to be done. Slowly, but no...
Not slowly, quite quickly for me, I have allowed things to happen that I have felt no need to control. I have been happy to just sit back and watch what happens. This has been most evident with my children. I put many years of good, hard work into them to allow them to be the adults that they are now. I now have to let them fly. Not hover over the top of them. They deserve to be able to live a life free of encumbrances and people imparting well mentioned advise which is just nostalgia from their pasts, free to live a life of fullness and wonder. The releasing of the bonds has allowed me the luxury of living a life of wonder and newness for me.

I have enrolled in my first course. I am completing a certificate in Reiki 1. I am really looking forward to this course and even though I want to wonder what I will do next, where I will be in 5 years, how will this affect my life, I am not. I am just going to enjoy today and I work through the stages of my past and complete, honor and either set free or display. As I work through these stages, I can remember, honor and bless them for they are the things and people who have made me as I am today....the good and the bad.

Ti Hita Karana.

Self-forgiveness

In our lives it is so hard to forgive. We can learn to forgive others over time or with the best intentions we can make the effort to forgive those who have hurt us....but in reality the only person we should make the concerted effort to forgive is our self. There is only one true person in your world and that is yourself. If we are unable to forgive our self, then we are continually undermining the one person who is important.

I am extremely hard on myself. I judge myself harder than anyone could or would ever judge me. I am judge and jury and show no mercy.

I am not like this with other people. I do show mercy many times to other people, sometimes it can be said to my own detriment, yet I never feel myself worthy enough to return this kindness to myself. I know that this stems from my deep seating thinking that I am not worthy enough of forgiveness...like my story is so bad that someone would sit in judgement and be shocked at the words coming out of my mouth. I know that this is not true, but this can be the level of judgement I bestow upon myself.

I am one of the kindest people I know. I continually try to look for the good in people. I continually believe that people are ultimately good and this goodness will shine through. I do not want to be the negative person who thinks that everyone and everything is out to get them. I do believe in the cosmic exchange and know that what I put out there will come back to me 10 fold.
Because I know this, I do really try to never put out bad things...I do not want to attract sickness disease and sadness, so I do not try to allow myself to dwell on them. I do give myself 24 hours to acknowledge these feelings, but dwelling any longer gives me an excuse, a reason to be negative and I will not allow these feelings.

I now have to trust myself to forgive myself. For everything. From now on, all negative thoughts that come into my mind, I will forgive. I will acknowledge and then forgive. Self forgiveness means I will have the ability to forgive others.

This will allow me to continue the journey of Tri Hita Karana - The Balance of Life.

Tri Hita Karana

The balance of life. I do not know the reason yet but this name will be my name. It is a Hindu saying meaning "respecting and working harmoniously with humanity, the environment and the Divine. It just soothes my soul and it is a mystery that I am yet to understand. Whether this name will be a business, a book, a business card or just a mantra for myself, I do not know...but what I do know is that this name will be the epitome of me.

Letting go of Limiting Illusions...

Today's post will be from Simple Abundance....Letting go of Limiting Illusions.

This is so ironical as I have just made the decision to not continue entering all the past entries that I wrote before I started this blog. They have been destroyed. Put to bed because no longer do I need to continually rehash all past experiences of my life. I can start again. I can re-invent the parts of me that I want changed and I can continue to love myself for exactly what and who I am.

I found I was dwelling on the negative side of my emotions at the time and I was finding it draining. I was wanting to rewrite these journals but felt I wasn't honouring my feelings of the time. By just allowing them to be as they are meant that I can move on and honour all the good things that will come my way. I do believe that there is a loving energy that guides us all. If we constantly think negative thoughts, surround ourselves in negative energies then this is all we will be exposed to. I do not want this. I want LOVE AND LIGHT...so I need to think of love and light.

How? For too long I have believed that external things will make me happy. Whether it be losing weight, making new friends, looking attractive, having a wonderful home....but the truth is these are just masks. The only way to truly make yourself happy is to love yourself.

I have to be continually reminding me that I am worth all that is given to me and that I will be the best I can be. I will not allow negative thoughts to enter my mind...they are just like clouds that float in the sky. I know the clouds will pass when I look at the sky so I now need to be reminding myself that negative words and feelings are just like these clouds...they too will pass and the sun will shine again.

Love and light to you all.

A remembrance of the old but a welcoming of the new...

I will be doing two posts today as I want to record the "old" of me for they deserve to be spoken but I want to welcome the new as snippets taken from the book titled "Simple Abundance - A Day Book of Comfort and Joy". A beautiful book.

Purple...

The first thing to come into my mind with this word is the move The Colour Purple with Whoopi Goldberg. It is a movie about racial discrimination. I have wondered why I thought of this word whether it was for the actual colour purple which is not a favourite of mine or if there is a deeper meaning.

Purple is a colour that I do not work with very much when I am making products to sell. I can never understand why this is so, but the item will remain unsold year after year. It will be picked up, held, soothed but returned as never quiet good enough. Nothing wrong with the product, just does not appeal to the mass public for sale. is this how I view myself? Never quite good enough for sale. never quite valued highly. Happy if someone has to have the purple product, but not something that they necessarily want. I think of myself like the doll that sits on the shelf. Lovely to look at, but no one really loves her enough to take her with them. They are happy to have her sitting on the shelf as there is merits in keeping her, but just a doll that does not need a whole lot of love.

And yet, the purple word evoked the title of the movie. The Colour Purple is my first strong view on this word for today. This movie is about racial discrimination and I do feel discrimination. I am judged by the actions of others and even though I am not guilty of these so call injustices, I am held accountable. I am trapped by these emotions as outwardly I can dismiss such negativity but inwardly, these eat away at my confidence little by little. Most often these discriminations are nothing that I know about, only by rejection am I made aware that there is a problem.

Purple is a rich colour, full of prestige and glamour. It is a colour of royalty and used in the most formal ceremonies. Maybe it is high time that I wrap myself in a blanket of purple to learn how to hold myself in high esteem. Purple can give me an edge in prestige because I am precious and worthy of being held in high esteem and for too long I have allowed the discrimination's of purple to continually drag me down to the point that I do not value myself.

After many years of constantly doubting myself, you begin to believe the non-sensical rubbish that people feel is their right to throw at you. My magic purple blanket will help me deflect these barbs of negativity so I can continue on my journey of self discovery.

Written 11th April 2010.

This is so negative and sad. I was preparing for battle just as a warrior would wrap themselves in shields to protect their hearts, I was attempting to wrap myself in a purple cloak to shield these barbs away. I do not feel like that anymore. Negativity breeds negativity and I only want Love and Light to be in my life.

When I open the Day Book today, today's verse is Beauty: Opening our eyes to the beauty that surrounds us.

This is the path I am on and will continue on. Others have their rights to negativity and sadness, but not I. No longer will I allow feelings of hurt, betrayal to wear me down. They are just like clouds in the sky floating past. I will acknowledge them and then just watch them sail by. Just because these obstacles come to me, this does not mean I have to allow them into me. I can acknowledge and then release. I am not going to allow myself to dwell on negativity in any form.

Simple Abundance reminds us to be grateful for all the lessons that pass by in our life for it is with these lessons that we learn how to become to truly appreciate all the Love and Light in our life. I believe that we all come to a point in our life where we look at all that we have, wonder about all that we want and then realise that we have always had everything that we need right here with us the whole time. I have always been searching for the next thing that would make me happy, make me be the person I thought I had to be, yet I have always been there.
Hidden by a mountain of things that I deemed necessary to be the person I was chasing...

I will release these things. I no longer need them.

Elegance

How do you become elegant when you don't even know where to start? Is elegance an inbuilt trait that some are born with and others not? Or is it a learned trait that you acquire through study and observation. I want to become more elegant in all that I do. Dave would call it High Maintenance but me, I just know that at this point in my life I want it all.

If you could buy it, I would buy it right now. The only problem is I do not know what I am to buy. I have a friend of whom I consider to be extremely elegant. I fear that I will copy her and that is not what I want to do. I know that she was not born into elegance. It has been a learned thing for her and I was to guess I would assume she decided that she was only having the best and nothing else would suffice.

In my childhood, the more the better...It made you "richer" if you could have the most wool, or the most fabric. Yet in reality, the cupboards squashed with all types of foods, clothes overflowing out of cupboards and equipment for all the hobbies just meant that we grew up living in a house where nothing was put away...all was left out and nothing eventually was valued as it was always just there.

I am in a middle ground of this lifestyle. True, I have way too much stuff because I have purchased it over time and now I consider it wasteful to remove it from my house without using it. The truth is though, how much stuff do we actually use. Less than a third of all that we buy.

I find now that I want less, but what I do want I want to be beautiful and simply be and as a clutter author once quoted, "If it is worth keeping, then it is worth displaying beautifully, not haphazardly thrown in a cupboard for the one day when I may want to use it."

With my broken foot, I have got a little lazy. Each day is a struggle at the moment to just do the little things without all the rest, but I have got too lazy now. Clutter is raising it's ugly head again and this just exemplifies the mess I feel when I look at my house.

Dinner with my friend was beautiful. It was a simple meal prepared with love, yet displayed with love and attention to detail. No just slap it together on a plate for her. Each moment is a moment to treasure so details are important.

I was so lucky to see a photo of her put on face book that showed her morning face. Goodness me, it is nothing like the face you will see during the day or at the end of the evening. She works to make herself look good. I don't. If it doesn't happen first time, I am not that concerned and even used to wear it as a badge of honour that I am different so therefore do not need to try.

That is so wrong and the elegant person inside me has been screaming to be allowed to come out. I am ready to become that elegant person. I want every meal to be a 3 course gourmet meal and I want every occasion to be the absolute best it can be. I want my crafts to be beautiful not just done so they can be sold. I would rather not sell a craft if I see it as mass produced...that is no longer me. I want simplistic elegance with a touch of class. I want to beautify my home and myself for me. I do not care what others think. This is my time to just make all I have around me beautiful. Not just finished or nearly done, I want it all done - all beautiful - and all elegant.


This post was originally written on the 2nd May 2010 and today when I was continuing my process of decluttering, it fell out. It hadn't been filed which is extremely unusual for me...so I took this as a sign to look at it and take notice of the message. And yet again, an extremely important message and again, extremely relevant to me as I am today....thank you.

Spring

What does the word SPRING mean to me? I think of new beginnngs and a freshness to the dark depths of winter. I am reminded that the seasons will always come and go and from winter, spring will follows.

All my life I have felt always on the edge of winter becoming spring. I have always been searching for spring, for that new beginning, the chance to have a fresh start for I have always felt that I am always in danger of totally muffing up each day. Somehow I never seem to get it quite right, like I am not smart enough, never pretty enough, just never good enough so I faithfully promise myself that each new day will be a spring day full of promise and new beginnings...yet at the end of the day, I have never been able to feel Job well done, and be satisfied that I have done all that I can do the best of my ability.

Many days I know that I should have felt satisfied, that I have achieved well, but somehow I have always ended up doubting myself and wondering just why it is that I am lonely, or have no friends, or that no one wants to play with me. It has always felt like I have never been quite good enough for so many things in my life. I think I have become to fear new things because I am scared that I will never be able to achieve an outcome that is good enough. And who determines this good enough is such a huge force that I am constantly battling myself just in case. Those times I have succeeded and done extremely well, I still find myself wondering and waiting for someone to tap me on my shoulders and say "excuse me, but you are not good enough" and I am to give up what I am so proud of.

Where does this come from, this deep seated fear of being not good enough? It is a horrible position to put someone in these thought patterns. People should be praised for what they are and not for what they are not. We are such a critical society and the perceived views on perfection are so society driven.

I know that I am borderline OCD as I could so easily fall into the tendencies of repetitive checking and doubting myself completely. I know that perfectionism is a fault of mine, but not in
the generally perceived way, but more to the point, that I do not feel that I could be perfect so I don't even try. I give up before I have even started so I can be no disappointment to anyone.

Is this the pressure we put upon our first borns? Have I placed this pressure on my own first born? We have been made perfect yet I have been so hell bent on destroying this perfection in both mind and body. I think if I was to describe spring in one word it would be LOVE.

Love in its state of freshness and newness and the knowledge that each new day brings with it all the love and respect that we need to just be because no matter what our mind says, WE ARE ALL GOOD ENOUGH...

This was first written by myself on 10th April 2010.

It is quite an eye opening experience re reading these posts to myself because so little has changed in this time frame from them until now.

These deep seated feelings are still there BUT I know I have made changes. I got on stage and tap danced. I spoke at my fathers funeral. I wrote an eulogy which was befitting to my father. I am slowly learning to love myself - imperfections or not...

Winter...

Today's word is winter and it was the first word i thought of today as I opened my eyes and mind the future of what today will bring.

I like winter, always have and would love to live down south of WA or even someplace like Tasmania where it is cold and there is a large "alternative" lifestyle.

This first started out as a blog but I found the idea of my thoughts being exposed to the cyber world too intimidating and I felt I would sensor too much of my thoughts which is the exact opposite of what I wanted firstly. i plan to complete this project for 365 days...This will mean I have 365 thoughts of my life reflecting on a particular word. Yesterday these words gained the title of "shits" and whilst there is some honest truth in this phrase, I am not sure that I will continue to use the title of 45 years of shit...

My life is worth a mature title, one with empathy and understanding for all the pain and feelings that my mind has death with. Please don't get me wrong, there has been great moments of exultation but I still have the nagging feeling all my life that I have never quite measured up. To what I am supposed to measure up to I have never understood, but it is a nagging feeling that I have never been good enough, ever quite pretty enough, and never done quite enough to be proud of. I understand that these high expectations are what I have put on myself, my own misgivings of my life, but I still will constantly work on understanding myself.

Winter is my word and I was born in the middle of winter. Not a cold winter by any means as I was born in Geraldton Western Australia. It was near the end of the crayfish season and my father was disappointed that I was a girl and promptly went to the Abroholos Islands. Lucky I don't remember that, however I have been told many times that it happened.

I like winter because I can wrap myself in clothes. I also think that I use this time as a means of being able to hide myself under mountains of clothes. I have never been considered a great catch and if I could hide then I have never had to put myself out there. I have always considered myself a wallflower...always on the outside looking in. I think that is why the idea of a commune appeals because the judgement standards are so blurred and people are supposed to be accepted for who they are and not how they are projected to the world. I expect that this is just the story I have created in my mind...I should have been a child of the hippy 70's flower power days...carefree with no judgements and no pressures.

The silly thing is I am the one who puts these judgements and pressures on myself. I am the one who feels not good enough and instead of grabbing the bull by the horns, I just want to run and hide underneath all the winter clothes. The funny thing is these clothes that I so loved were also the catalyst to the sadness I felt.

Winter is seen as the deep dark recess of the calendar when all retreat away until the sun shines through again. I find it ironic that the first word I think of is winter and yet I feel that I am at the beginning of spring. I think by having the chance to write this story I am allowing myself to put to bed the winter of my life and begin the pathway to the spring...for with spring comes new beginnings.

I have been chained to sadness for many year of my life and I have come to the stage where I no longer want to be shackled by this misery that I carry around like a badge of honour. I need to honour myself and my life and intend to fight like a warrior for the rights of what I need.

Thank you Winter for allowing me to cocoon in your safety whilst I grew strong enough to face the day and spring of my life.

These words were first written on 9th April 2010 and today they are still so relevant to my...
All I can say is once again, thank you winter and welcome spring.

The art of being happy....

If I posed a question to you...are you happy? What would you say. I would answer yes...but not a resounding yes, because I always seem to think that even though I feel happy, I know that I could be happier. Material things are never what seems to hold me back, and yet, I can honestly say I am not at my happiest.

Well what would make me happier? Would it be to be skinnier, to have more friends, to travel to far off places, to be invited to the trendiest parties? These would be a starting point for some days, but I know myself and very quickly I would not be happy doing these types of things. I long for peace and serenity and when there are many demands on me even for social fun things, I tend to want to run screaming back to my haven where I can recharge and collect my thoughts.

What does make me happy and smile is the simple things. I love the colour of the sky just as it is about to rain. I love the rainbows that are made when it is raining. I love the smell of rain. I love the look of a sleeping child, doesn't even have to be my child. I love the look of an elderly lady holding a child, enjoying that moment, remembering her own children. I love the spontaneous laughter that comes from a special friend where there needs no further explanation. I love the giggles that come from an unexpected "fart" that makes everyone snigger. I love the comfort of my home. I love my own company.

So with this list which was so much easier to write than the material things, I know that I have the capacity in my hands to be happy. Now I just need to remember to do it. For I truly believe that being happy is a state of mind. I can choose to be happy each and every day. Some days I forget, but I can just remember again.

Shit...

Not the most catchy of titles, but none the less this is it...
Some people will percieve this to be "bad shit" but I know that this in incorrect. Shit can be either good or bad, full of emotion or full of nothing...shit can be percieved to be great shit or even bad shit...

so with this in mind lets welcome "shit"...

My name is Julie and I am at a stage in my life when I need to remove the clutter or as I like to refer to it as shit in my life. i am steadily progressing through the house removing the things we gather in the hope that one day they will make our life better, funner or just more exciting because in my 40's I know that it is the inside of a person that makes the fun, excitement and joy in life not the amount of items you possess or more rightly so, possess you.

Along this journey, I have realised that the most important clutter aka shit is holding me back is what is in my mind. So many things left unsaid, left undone and pushed to the back of the deep recesses of my mind...
This writing will be my way to start to unlock these packages in my mind and begin the process of dealing with them.

I will come up with a word each day that I will analyse in my mind and how it references to me...
With these references and discussion, I hope to be able to put to bed some ideas in my head that bounce constantly around, never letting up or going away...

so today's word is SHIT.
Not surprisingly, I don't consider this a negative word. To me it is a descriptive work on stuff or things. It can be used in so many different ways like "get your shit together" or "grab your shit we are going" or "what is this shit"...all of these expressions I use regularly. I hae hused shit in a sad way though...while generally feeling out of control in times and places so will yell "shit" or even "shit Lord what is happening".

I hope to be able to use a moment in my life to analyse these words but for today, I don't have a moment to share...this is just the beginning and I only want to be able to do this will no pressure just releasing the valve of my mind with words that need escape.

I wrote this passage on the 8th April 2010. I cringe a little at it now as I try really hard to not use the word "shit" in the same context. Since writing this, I have matured in my thoughts and I would like to think that now, I attempt to find better words to describe my thoughts and feelings. I have come a long way since this first article was written. I know that my thoughts are dependent on my feelings, however, I really have tried to empower myself to move beyond the first physical feelings that come with thoughts. I have always been quick to dismiss something that I considered could possible hurt me. I am constantly working on this now.
I have learnt how quickly we assume too much by the power of our thoughts. Sometimes it is much more valuable to just listen and ponder, not immediately evaluate and determine a possible solution.

Unfortunately, I still have way too much stuff in my house. I have deemed 2011 the year where I attempt to buy as little as possible brand new and if I do have to purchase something then it is to be used immediately and not be placed in the cupboard. If its destiny is to be in the cupboard then it was not a necessary purchase. I need to shop from my own home for everything.

The sin of gluttony is my most undesirable quality. I have gluttony for so many things in my life. It is like a competition...like I am trying to be the winner by owning the most stuff. It doesn't make me happy, in fact feels a lot like a noose around my neck, so I will be working on Gluttony as my project for 2011.

Anyone feel like coming for the ride?

What we may not want to hear...

The two cards I have drawn today come with varied messages. However surrounding cards clarify the messages for me.

The two cards are OCEAN and DIVINE GUIDANCE.

At first I was confused. This is unusual for me as I normally know exactly what the card means to me, but not this time. So I sat and thought I will look at the cards either side of these cards to see if there was any information that may help me. Sure enough...there the true meaning became apparent.

The sad thing is I don't really like this message and I need to work on why this bothers me so much.

Ocean is near where I walk when I exercise, of which, I have neglected lately. I have been lazy lately, considering it more important for me to be inside doing inside jobs and before I knew it another day had passed me by. Why is it that with me, I never put myself as important? I have always considered myself important, but when put to the test, never important enough to look after my body like it is a temple. Exercise is seen as a chore and not something I enjoy when in reality all I have to do is rethink my thoughts on this and use it as a means of zen meditation...that is meditating in an alternative method. This is where DIVINE GUIDANCE comes in... I need to ask for help in rethinking my thoughts on exercise and generally looking after my body. Without my body at optimum performance, the other aspects of my life are distinctly disadvantaged.

Is it laziness or is it a forgetfulness? Is it not prioritising moments in your life or for me, I think it is just the inner child in me just yelling out "I don't want to!!!" All my life I have wanted to cherry pick the special moments without wanting to take the good with the bad. Once the hard yards set in, I am often found wanting...

I will walk away from a mess believing I will come back and clean that up later only to find that I will find something else has taken my attention. This means not only do I still have the first mess awaiting my attention, I have already moved onto something else which requires more of my attention.

I need to sit and finish. I am always happy to put on the list all the jobs I want done, good and bad, but equally I am happy to just keep rewriting this list, never actually finishing each one. I want Divine Guidance by asking the Angels to help me live more in the moment and put my effort into finishing each task. I will do what I feel is the most important thing to do at that time rather than look at another never ending list, but I will justify the importance of this job by completing it to the end. Not continuing this cycle of HALFDONE.

Harsh words today Angels, but oh so necessary as I sit amongst a shamozzle of unfinished projects. Life is too short to not dignify all that I do. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing to the best of my ability until completion.

Thank you Angels.

RELATIONSHIPS

The two cards I have drawn today which is mid afternoon are exactly what I have been doing throughout the day. CHILDREN AND RELATIONSHIPS

Today I have been blessed with the wonderful opportunity to spend time with two beautiful people in my life. Today has been a blessing as both people have been absent from me and I have missed them both so much. Today has been a renewing of the souls - just like a child would play today, I played.

All too often we are too serious - never believing that we need to play - never believing we deserve to play. This feeling that I can't because I am grown up or I have too many things to attend to just continues the slow death of your inner child.

I believe this is the true meaning of old age. How many elderly people do we see you behave elderly just because it is expected of them? Yet, when you look you will see people who will not accept their age and just continue to live life with all the ups and downs that are thrown at them.
Life in the playground can be tough, but it is never fun sitting on the sidelines...Sometimes just as kids do, you pick yourself up and throw yourself back into the playground. Old age is when we walk away....never to return to the playground again.

We all deserve to live a day where you laugh, you enjoy good company and you just have good fun because life is a gift. Never treat life as a chore. There will always be tiresome chores and challenges - that is a given, but the key to it all, is to throw yourself back in and live.

Lets all just learn to laugh and smile....jump back into that playground and join in with the other children. Allow the Love and Light to shine through.

Thank you Angels.

See only love...

SEE ONLY LOVE. What an appropriate card to draw today. I am working on this so much that I was drawn to pick another card and I chose REWARD YOURSELF.

How often do we not reward outselves. We are our own harshest critics - there truly is no-one who could be meaner to ourselves than ourselves. And the worst of the matter is we believe it....
It becomes a belief that is so ingrained that we fear that if we don't believe that then who are we, and what do we believe? Who will continue to tell us the "truth"?

The truth is we are often so cruel to ourselves, so negative, so berating that in reality these are messages we don't need to hear. It is when we make a conscious effort to see only love particularly with ourself that we can truly begin to love ourself.

When you can learn to see only love with others, then gently continue this path of seeing only love within yourself. Love that little child in you. Sit back, look and listen. Reword those negative thoughts that come into your mind, just as you would reword negative comments passed between your children.

It will be hard, for these thought patterns are ingrained and down deep in your soul, but I truly believe that with practice we can make ouselves filled with LIGHT AND LOVE which will take us to the place that children visit called ENCHANTMENT which is the second card I chose today.

This cards meaning states RECAPTURE YOUR CHILDLIKE SENSE OF WONDER AND AWE AND VIEW THE PLACE AS A MAGICAL PLACE.

By seeing only love, we will be rewarded with enchantment...and won't that be wonderful.

Thankyou Angels for your guidance today.

Good morning

Originally posted 3.1.11

There are some mornings where you truly believe it is a good morning, and today is one of those days. The veil of fog is clearing from in front of me, and I am starting to see a clarity that I haven't seen for some time. It is good.

The two cards I drew today are OPPORTUNITY TO FORGIVE AND TRUTH AND INTEGRITY

Both of these cards relate to family. Why is it family can be the cruelest people to each other when in fact, they would lay down and die for them if put to the test? Some days the dynamics of a family leave me so perplexed. I try to understand. I try to see from both sides and yet I continually am surprised by what happens. We are so confident and happy to give to perfect strangers but we struggle to offer family the same. We feel we can berate family yet we would never do this to someone unknown in the public. We feel an affection for strangers, an empathy for their souls and yet the one group of people who share so much of us, our DNA can always be seen as fair game in the game of cruelty. As an outsider to this direct behaviour, I have made the decision to not allow this sadness to control any of my thought patterns. No longer will I harbour any resentments towards unloving behaviour and I will only hold them in good light. I will continually send blessings to them to break this negative cycle. I will call upon the Angels to help me and remind me to do this forever more.

ANGELS HELP ME SEND LIGHT AND LOVE TO ALL WHO FEEL A NEGATIVITY TOWARDS MY FAMILY. I ASK FOR YOUR GUIDANCE SO I MAY KNOW WHAT TO SAY AND DO EACH OPPORTUNITY THAT WE ARE TOGETHER.

What a day...

Originally posted 2.1.11

What a day the 1.1.11 was! I was expecting a day where there was calm and peace and tranquility and I was served the exact opposite with rebellion and fractious behaviour. With retrospect it really was a good test to see if I could offer peace and love in times of extreme stress (we all know the joys parenting brings) and I think I did ok. I yelled just a tad more than I wanted but copiously less amounts than I would have in the past. I just concentrated on sending love to all who required it all day long. I know it will be ok... but I will continue to send buckets loads of love to one particular person for I know she needs a whole lot of loving at the moment.

Not only did I have one level of generation, I dealt with a second level. Not sure that I was overly successful in this but all I can do is continue to send love and light and boy, Archangel Michael, I need your help with this task.

The two cards I drew today are FRESH AIR and ARCHANGEL MICHAEL.

FRESH AIR means I need to be outside more. I also need to throw open the windows and allow fresh air in and in doing this, the staleness that can come from negativity can be removed. I also feel this card represents the need to clear out. I will continue on my journey of decluttering and allowing these possessions to go and bless someone else. No longer do they serve the purpose of being with me, so time to allow them to move on and bless someone else. The practical side of love and light I think. Keep moving the old to allow the new.

Archangel Michael is giving me someone to turn to for guidance today as I will be needing a significant amount of guidance in knowing the best ways to deal with issues that will arise during my day. These challenges, rather than defeating me, allow me to continue to love and light the world as much as I can. I will continually ask for his help in understanding the other persons point of view and allowing these actions to not be a catalyst for a negative self belief of myself, but more so a chance to allow love to extend from me to them.

I have pondered why I didn't attend the group meditation. I have come to the conclusion I wasn't ready and you know what that is ok. Soon I will be ready and it will all be in front of me.

Thank you Angels.

Happy New Year

Originally posted 1.1.11

Happy New Year!

I so think of each new year as a new start - a chance for a new beginning. Always a good feeling for me.

All the "ones". I know that this is an important day. I just don't know the real reason for it as yet but I will learn. I just want to acknowledge the "ones" and know that in time their true meaning will become apparent to me. For me, I will just sit secluded and meditate at 1pm on the 1.1.11 and send love to the universe. My contribution to an energy I do not understand.

The two cards I drew today are: CREATIVE PROJECT AND MEDITATE.

Creative project is telling me I haven't been doing enough creative projects and I have a staleness surrounding me. I am energised when I sit and be creative in any form. I have neglected this aspect of me, feeling that it is indulgent in the times that have been surrounding me. Time to renew this friendship.

Meditate....I feel at odds with this card. Am I mediating too much or not enough...
The Angels tell me to just do what I feel and not be pressured into thinking that too much meditation will make me a better person. For now I will just be...no pressure.

Thank you Angels for helping me continue this journey.

Out with the old and in with the new

Originally written 31st December 2010

Out with the old, in with the new year. I love this time of the year and all the promises of new beginnings. I love the prospect of being able to right the wrongs or re-think all the challenges that have come to me, yet I have been unable to handle many of them in the best possible way.

I have always been my harshest critic and it is so good to know that all is ok with me now. I have the guidance from the Angles and God. I have direction to step forth and I feel it is so right.

I have started drawing Angel Cards from two decks. These oracle cards have been designed by Doreen Virtue and the two decks I have chosen to use are Healing with the Angel oracle cards and Daily Guidance from your Angels oracle cards. These two groups of cards have given me the confidence to step forth and really understand what it is I want from life.

The card I have drawn today is FAMILY

This card represents a special person to me that I have held at a distance for so long. I was hurting and I felt I needed to hurt by myself. Now I know I have to undo this as I know he is hurting too. He is my soul mate and I need to share me with him again. I have been pushing him away and in reality he is the one person who I should have drawn closer to me. I am ready now.

I am ready now for so many things. I feel a peace and contentment I have not felt for so long. It is nice. It is comforting and I am comfortable with this feeling.

No longer will I feel the need to plan, plan and plan. I have always been compelled to list everything I do as if I will forget to do the most basic of things. I will know what next to do and everything else will just bide its time until I am ready.

I will be guided by the Angels and I will RELEASE AND SURRENDER to the Angels. I know you are with me guiding me but at the same time allowing me to truly live this life my way.

Thank you Angels.