Trust. There are days when you just have to trust that it will be OK. For the people in Far North Queensland, they are trusting that their preparations are adequate, that the authorities will be able to keep them informed so as the community will be able to make the best most informed decision as to what to do next. My heart and hopes go out to them all.
But, for me....trust means that I believe this voice, this feeling that I have inside me that all will be OK. I have been thinking how much I charge for my services. I bawk at this because as far as I see I do not even have a service to offer at the stage. Not yet I am being told, but I will. I struggle with this. I know that I will be a Healer, but even then I am not sure what that really means.
For the complete control freak that I am, for the first time in my life, I am flying by the seat of my pants...so to speak. I am not used to be out of control and it is a weird sensation for me. I know that there is so much I will learn but for now, I am being told to continue to clear the path way so to speak. I am closing off loose ends of half started jobs as well as minimising lots of things in my life. I will not have the time to idly wander between projects, only half committing to way too many things in my life. I have a job to do and I am setting myself up in the best way possible to do this job to the best of my ability.
I am going through so many objects, looking, pondering, questioning whether I need it in my life. I am realising that most of the things I am looking at I do not. I have just held onto them just in case the day would come when I would. I know now that it won't. This is part of an old me that I am looking at, loving and leaving behind. This part of me is an important part of me, but I do not have to continue lugging this load on my back on a daily basis.
During meditation I got asked to mentally go back to my earliest memories, and study them. What did I feel, who was there, and what was happening...
My earliest memories was at my paternal grandparents house. Nanna R was there along with Pop R. Nanna R didn't like mum and didn't believe that I was Dad's child...that mum tricked him into marrying him. Dad was there and I clearly felt that both Nanna R and Dad were not really loving to me. I was not wanted was what I felt. I wasn't and mum wasn't. I think I was about 2 years old. That feeling of not being wanted has continued way through in my life and I am now able to see where it has manifested into my feelings these days. I have been told to work on feelings between the years 1 to 7. The critical years. I am to acknowledge and let go. They are there but not as important as the importance that I give to them. I can let them go....just as the clouds that float past me in the afternoon sky, I am to let these feelings go as well.
I will continue to work with these feelings within these years. I am finding it insightful not scary and it is giving me an opportunity to really try and see where my rejected feelings are manifesting from.
Love and Light --- Tri Hita Karana...
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