Winter...

Today's word is winter and it was the first word i thought of today as I opened my eyes and mind the future of what today will bring.

I like winter, always have and would love to live down south of WA or even someplace like Tasmania where it is cold and there is a large "alternative" lifestyle.

This first started out as a blog but I found the idea of my thoughts being exposed to the cyber world too intimidating and I felt I would sensor too much of my thoughts which is the exact opposite of what I wanted firstly. i plan to complete this project for 365 days...This will mean I have 365 thoughts of my life reflecting on a particular word. Yesterday these words gained the title of "shits" and whilst there is some honest truth in this phrase, I am not sure that I will continue to use the title of 45 years of shit...

My life is worth a mature title, one with empathy and understanding for all the pain and feelings that my mind has death with. Please don't get me wrong, there has been great moments of exultation but I still have the nagging feeling all my life that I have never quite measured up. To what I am supposed to measure up to I have never understood, but it is a nagging feeling that I have never been good enough, ever quite pretty enough, and never done quite enough to be proud of. I understand that these high expectations are what I have put on myself, my own misgivings of my life, but I still will constantly work on understanding myself.

Winter is my word and I was born in the middle of winter. Not a cold winter by any means as I was born in Geraldton Western Australia. It was near the end of the crayfish season and my father was disappointed that I was a girl and promptly went to the Abroholos Islands. Lucky I don't remember that, however I have been told many times that it happened.

I like winter because I can wrap myself in clothes. I also think that I use this time as a means of being able to hide myself under mountains of clothes. I have never been considered a great catch and if I could hide then I have never had to put myself out there. I have always considered myself a wallflower...always on the outside looking in. I think that is why the idea of a commune appeals because the judgement standards are so blurred and people are supposed to be accepted for who they are and not how they are projected to the world. I expect that this is just the story I have created in my mind...I should have been a child of the hippy 70's flower power days...carefree with no judgements and no pressures.

The silly thing is I am the one who puts these judgements and pressures on myself. I am the one who feels not good enough and instead of grabbing the bull by the horns, I just want to run and hide underneath all the winter clothes. The funny thing is these clothes that I so loved were also the catalyst to the sadness I felt.

Winter is seen as the deep dark recess of the calendar when all retreat away until the sun shines through again. I find it ironic that the first word I think of is winter and yet I feel that I am at the beginning of spring. I think by having the chance to write this story I am allowing myself to put to bed the winter of my life and begin the pathway to the spring...for with spring comes new beginnings.

I have been chained to sadness for many year of my life and I have come to the stage where I no longer want to be shackled by this misery that I carry around like a badge of honour. I need to honour myself and my life and intend to fight like a warrior for the rights of what I need.

Thank you Winter for allowing me to cocoon in your safety whilst I grew strong enough to face the day and spring of my life.

These words were first written on 9th April 2010 and today they are still so relevant to my...
All I can say is once again, thank you winter and welcome spring.