Spring

What does the word SPRING mean to me? I think of new beginnngs and a freshness to the dark depths of winter. I am reminded that the seasons will always come and go and from winter, spring will follows.

All my life I have felt always on the edge of winter becoming spring. I have always been searching for spring, for that new beginning, the chance to have a fresh start for I have always felt that I am always in danger of totally muffing up each day. Somehow I never seem to get it quite right, like I am not smart enough, never pretty enough, just never good enough so I faithfully promise myself that each new day will be a spring day full of promise and new beginnings...yet at the end of the day, I have never been able to feel Job well done, and be satisfied that I have done all that I can do the best of my ability.

Many days I know that I should have felt satisfied, that I have achieved well, but somehow I have always ended up doubting myself and wondering just why it is that I am lonely, or have no friends, or that no one wants to play with me. It has always felt like I have never been quite good enough for so many things in my life. I think I have become to fear new things because I am scared that I will never be able to achieve an outcome that is good enough. And who determines this good enough is such a huge force that I am constantly battling myself just in case. Those times I have succeeded and done extremely well, I still find myself wondering and waiting for someone to tap me on my shoulders and say "excuse me, but you are not good enough" and I am to give up what I am so proud of.

Where does this come from, this deep seated fear of being not good enough? It is a horrible position to put someone in these thought patterns. People should be praised for what they are and not for what they are not. We are such a critical society and the perceived views on perfection are so society driven.

I know that I am borderline OCD as I could so easily fall into the tendencies of repetitive checking and doubting myself completely. I know that perfectionism is a fault of mine, but not in
the generally perceived way, but more to the point, that I do not feel that I could be perfect so I don't even try. I give up before I have even started so I can be no disappointment to anyone.

Is this the pressure we put upon our first borns? Have I placed this pressure on my own first born? We have been made perfect yet I have been so hell bent on destroying this perfection in both mind and body. I think if I was to describe spring in one word it would be LOVE.

Love in its state of freshness and newness and the knowledge that each new day brings with it all the love and respect that we need to just be because no matter what our mind says, WE ARE ALL GOOD ENOUGH...

This was first written by myself on 10th April 2010.

It is quite an eye opening experience re reading these posts to myself because so little has changed in this time frame from them until now.

These deep seated feelings are still there BUT I know I have made changes. I got on stage and tap danced. I spoke at my fathers funeral. I wrote an eulogy which was befitting to my father. I am slowly learning to love myself - imperfections or not...