A brand new day....

Do you ever wake up and know that things have changed...changed so dramatically that you know that you are really a different person? Different from yesterday, different from the 9 year old...even different from the day you joined your life with your partner.

This difference has just been pointed out to me. She told me I was grieving for the old me..not sad at her loss...just grieving the change. I know I am different. I know the journey I am undertaking will enable me to be exposed to many and varied things. I know can acknowledge that these things change a part of me. I am no longer just as I was.

I have pondered these thoughts and can now begin to understand the changes I feel. The best way for me to describe it is when you have your first child you are different. Something changes, a light shines in you. Then when you have your subsequent children, the light changes again, and again. For each moment of change, these changes occurr. You become a different person with each new child. Not necessarily better or even worse, but definitely different. This is me.

There is a sadness at the change. These moments of sadness can be all encompassing or as I hope to achieve, an acknowledgement of the change I am undertaking. I am growing at a rate which is monumental for me. I have now to learn to soften my approach to these changes. Thinking of them as clouds gently floating past. If tears fall, then tears fall. If laughter happens, then laughter happens. I am ok. I am loved and I will be ok.

I am learning to let go of my need for control. This is just a manifestation of fear. I need to control so I can be safe. Fear of what may lay ahead is the dynamics of my control urge. I am learning now to let go of fear and control. I will not be giving anything I cannot handle. I need to begin trusting in myself deeply. Not just a surface trust where I constantly push down those negative fears. I am now going to allow those negative fears to surface and be acknowledge for too long they have held me back in my direction. I am safe. I am ok and it will be ok.