Loving One Self.

I am reminded today by the start of a cold and an extremely sore throat that I am not loving myself. On the surface I feel as if I am, but with these "dis -eases" I know that I am not. How do you love yourself? Is it a learned thing? Are some people born with this inate ability to love oneself so much that they never struggle with this thought/action? I have not been born with this knowledge. I have never really learnt this knowledge either. To love someone else, you have to love yourself first. I understand the concept, I do. I never have felt comfortable with it though. This is my heart chakra and is the chakra that I keep coming back to in meditations, thoughts, purchases and sicknesses. The time has come that I really learn to love myself. I have been doing baby steps, like makeup, clothes, keeping my house tidy, booking regular massages, but now it is time to work on my internal thoughts.

I have heard recently by a well known TV presenter the following thoughts. She states "Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions and your actions become your life." How profound is that? I have always struggled with myself/love with the very first connection....your thoughts become your words....I have outwardly tried to show I love myself with artificial actions, but the deepest thoughts stayed the same...and co-incidentally so did my weight....and then I would wonder why I kept being shown that I wasn't loving myself. I truly wasn't inside me...

I am now learning that for anything else to really be true for me, then the one simple step of loving myself has to be first and foremost before anything else. I know and I am now ready.

I have been given a book to read and work through...LOVING WHAT IS by Byron Katie. It is time - I am ready to do The Work that is now required. I am truly ready for this opening of my heart chakra with the knowledge that I will love myself in the deepest way possible. Thank you One and All for showing me the way on how to learn to love me. I have been asking for signs as to how to do this. I knew that I had to do it, just didn't know how. I do now.

The journey will be sad/confronting/enlightening but so enjoyable. I will learn things that I knew but would never accept and for this wonderful gift I am thankful.

Tri Hita Karana...

What next?

Some days this is how I feel and yet other days, I have this knowing it is all OK. I expect the controlling ego centre of me is still making its presence known. I am changing...I know I am changing, I can feel it...I live it...but some days I wonder just what is happening and where will it lead to?

These are the days when I am tired. I have been doing too much lately and I have felt swamped. I need to focus on calming my busy mind and body. Too much of my time is spent doing things for others. We need to serve others, but not to the detriment of our self. As a mother, we are conditioned to put others needs before our own. I have prided myself on my wonderful ability at being a mother. I have felt a sense of pride and achievement that nothing else has been able to match, however it came at a cost. I put my needs second. I attended to them when I had time and habits like these are hard to break.

I am now putting my needs first.....but sometimes I forget, take on too much and fall into a heap. I am picking myself up out of the hole I have been in for a couple of days now. I went to a group mediation today. I enjoy meditation; I find it easy and I was at peace when I was there. I came home to a bit of chaos, but proceeded to then eliminate a couple of activities and dates I had agreed to. It felt good. I am honoring my story again. Just as I needed to.

I have my next course this Sunday....Indian Head Massage. I am looking forward to this. I enjoy the sense of touch and enlightenment I receive from these courses. It is another cog in the wheel of my new story. I needed todays meditation to put me back on the journey. I had slipped off and was floundering. I am back now and feel so much more balanced.

I have ordered my new business cards for my Holistic Healing Journey. They are a simple, elegant design which will allow me to hand out to people who need my numbers. I am finding this easier and easier to talk of my new direction...of my story. I have been doing my voluntary reiki sessions and have repeat clients. I am still in my learning phase. I still love it for what I can give and for what I receive.

I am learning balance...Tri Hita Karana...The balance of life...my learning lesson for now.

My story....

When I went to learn Reiki, my Reiki Master sat and told us about "her stories". This reminded me so much of the aboriginal culture who hold their stories with such high regard, that I was immediately reminded to not hide my story. I have tended to not think of my stories as being that important, at the very least not something that others would necessarily want to listen to. I am now being guided to talk about my stories, my history, my life. I like the word story as it gives a comfortable feeling to what I am talking about.

My story is mine. I may remember things not as others have, but that is not important for the story belongs to me. I have always felt an affinity with spiritual beliefs. I was christened Anglican, then I on my own volition decided to become confirmed in the Anglican faith. This was fine and all I needed until I met my husband and then a knowing came into my life that I needed to change this belief. After many hours of thoughts and prayers, I knew that I was to convert to Catholicism. The two religions were not that dissimilar to me, so I did. It gave me a comfort and a joy and a sense of peace and the persistant nagging I was feeling left my mind.

I have been a Catholic for many years now and whilst I still will always remain a Catholic, I have this knowing that I need to develop my spiritual knowledge further. This knowledge for spiritual ideas will take me away from mainstream Catholicism and Anglicanism but I just know that it is ok. We all look to and love one God, something I have always believed in all forms of religion. Whether it is Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, we all look to and serve one God.

I now follow a pathway of Light Work. I am not 100 % sure what this entails, but I do know that I am a Holistic Healer and I feel an urgency to act upon this healing. I put myself forward to God and the Angels to knowingly send my way, the necessary information whether it be via people, places, books, teachers, feathers or crystals all that I need to know.

I have commenced my journey by studying Reiki I with my Reiki Master. It felt right and gave me the knowing that it is right. I will now continue to hone and practise my new found knowledge before undertaking the next step of publicly practising my Reiki knowledge.

An outing of this type of information has been an unusual task. My spirituality has been something that I have mainly kept to myself. I just thought everyone had the same ability as I do. I know that they do. They just never have had to use their natural ability. I am not sure what my healing opportunities will be...whether I am to guide someone, physically use my hands to heal someone, or to write about healing. So with my unending belief of the Law of Attraction, I am putting it out there that I am ready to begin in earnest my healing journey.

I will do my utmost to serve through God and heal the necessary things that come my way. And in this healing journey, I will continue to heal myself. I will continue to remove items, memories, things that create a blockage in my journey. I will continue to Bless others with the items that I remove so with the Law of Attraction working to its fullest potential, when I make room by removing extras from my life, I allow room for other better things to come to me.

Tri Hita Karana....The Balance of Life.

Grieving...

Today I have been clearing out all the things from my life that I no longer need. I have been doing this for 3 days now just going through my one room which is really me. It has been my sewing room for so long now, but now it has become my studio. No longer is it to be the junk room of the house nor just my sewing area. I will still use it as I have done before, like doing the ironing, scrapbooking etc, but I have added the new direction of my life. I have included an area which will be just for my holistic learning and practices.

I have spent time going through everything. The big and the little have all had my undivided attention. I have considered whether each thing is relevant in my life....be it useful or beautiful, but to qualify to stay, it must be used. Not just there in case it may be needed in the future. I do have a few things which are on "borrowed time". If they get used soon, they will stay otherwise they will go and bless someone else.

So even though it has been cathartic going through everything for this new beginning, I have been grieving for the things of my past. Memories of days gone by, of children in younger times, the hopes and dreams of my past. Some have been born, others, sadly not.

It is a surreal moment in our lives when we realise that we are not infinite and we do have a life time span. I know that I will live for many more years, but life just goes by so quickly and to go through everything just as you would in a deceased estate, can be very confronting.

There is a popular post around at the moment which advises that everything that we need can be fitted into one box. I mentally picture a monk or even a nun who also live with very little. The things that they do keep/have are valuable for exactly as they are. Not something which needs to be made, used, or kept just in case. I feel a strong need to look at everything I have with this in mind...it must be something valuable. Beauty for me can be valuable, but mostly, I will continue to look at things with the mindset of it must be valuable.

Once I have finished this room, my studio, and in particular the new area for my holistic healing, I will be looking at the remainder of the house.

It will be a healing year for me this year....in readiness for me to continue in my journey of becoming a Holistic Healer.

A brand new day....

Do you ever wake up and know that things have changed...changed so dramatically that you know that you are really a different person? Different from yesterday, different from the 9 year old...even different from the day you joined your life with your partner.

This difference has just been pointed out to me. She told me I was grieving for the old me..not sad at her loss...just grieving the change. I know I am different. I know the journey I am undertaking will enable me to be exposed to many and varied things. I know can acknowledge that these things change a part of me. I am no longer just as I was.

I have pondered these thoughts and can now begin to understand the changes I feel. The best way for me to describe it is when you have your first child you are different. Something changes, a light shines in you. Then when you have your subsequent children, the light changes again, and again. For each moment of change, these changes occurr. You become a different person with each new child. Not necessarily better or even worse, but definitely different. This is me.

There is a sadness at the change. These moments of sadness can be all encompassing or as I hope to achieve, an acknowledgement of the change I am undertaking. I am growing at a rate which is monumental for me. I have now to learn to soften my approach to these changes. Thinking of them as clouds gently floating past. If tears fall, then tears fall. If laughter happens, then laughter happens. I am ok. I am loved and I will be ok.

I am learning to let go of my need for control. This is just a manifestation of fear. I need to control so I can be safe. Fear of what may lay ahead is the dynamics of my control urge. I am learning now to let go of fear and control. I will not be giving anything I cannot handle. I need to begin trusting in myself deeply. Not just a surface trust where I constantly push down those negative fears. I am now going to allow those negative fears to surface and be acknowledge for too long they have held me back in my direction. I am safe. I am ok and it will be ok.

Friends...

I have always known friends come into your life for a reason and just as they have slid in, they will slide out. I am in the sliding out process of some friendships. There is a tinge of sadness and a touch of melancholy yet beneath all of this, there is a deep set knowing that this is right.

I have always been a pleaser. It is a pathway we set ourselves on from a very early age and as it seems a tried and true path, we keep to the path...never venturing from safe. One day many of us wake up so to speak and decide to step off the path. We wander aimlessly and sometimes fear will take us back to the known pathway, but through all of this, we learn. We learn that the safe pathway is not always the best way. It is a way...but not the best way. It takes courage to step out of the path....but it takes even greater courage to do it alone.

I have someone who wants to take me on her path. I do not want to go. I have found my path. I like my path and I don't want to share the other path. I am happy for her to go on her pathway...just don't ask me to go. Sometimes during our life, we have to say no...to detach from those who draw from ourselves a negativity. It is with this attachment of negativity that we can never grow forwards, to grow upwards.

You reap what you sew. I find that with my new found spiritual consciousness I am not drawn to the same people. I wish to be around like minded souls who encourage and unlift your souls, not be negative and drag down the energy. I am in a good place. I do not have a wish for the latest and greatest of anything. I am not looking for love, nor do I seek to go to places where I may find love. I am finding me. I am learning to love me. I do not want to look for anything else.

So with the greatest of love and good intention, fly free my friend. I wish the best for your journey and love and light to you.