Give a little...

I have a saying going through my head...."If we give a little, then we will get a whole lot back". It makes sense to me, I am just pondering why it is in my head. I am not doing it that is why. People are annoying me at the moment. I know I am hard to live with at moment and I know that I just don't have it in me to give more than I receive at the moment. But....if I gave more then I would get more back....

There are some days when I know that this is the best thing to do, but I don't want to. As mums and wives we spend so much of our time giving, giving, giving never really asking for anything in return. Lately I have felt that I have given too much and I need to hold onto what I have. No-one understands this as it goes against my very being, my soul, all that everyone has ever known about me.

When we feel like this are we supposed to keep on giving or are we allowed to just be? Exactly as we are...no questions, no qualms. I am tired. I am unsure of many things at the moment. I am dealing with my grief and the grief of my adult/children who suffer grief so monumentally. I need to be just me yet this voice keeps telling me to give a little more. I know it is for my benefit but I just want to say NOOO.

I am doing some very serious meditations that are delving deep into my inner being. They are drawing up feelings of abandonment and rejection and I am feeling a strong need to protect myself yet again. I am just trying to allow these feelings to surface, and float by. But in re-surfacing after all these years, they are tough. For now, I am hurting. I know it will pass, but for now I am hurting.

I will give a little to get a lot back, in time, but for now I am hurting and I am wailing for the lost me that I am beginning to find. I am grieving for many things...me, Dad and now Amber.

I will release them all but I need to say goodbye first. Stay with me, hold my hand, and it will be OK.